Lawyer Jokes – Post Them Here!

Whygodinventedlawyers Dear Readers,

I have given this some thought and realize that, like it or not, people love lawyer jokes.  In fact, I love lawyer jokes.  So, what better place to read lawyer jokes than on a blog maintained by a lawyer?  Anyone who knows me knows that I take what I do very seriously but I also enjoy good humor. 

I’m starting with several jokes and hope that this will get you started: Please go to the comments section of this posting and add your own lawyer jokes.  My only request is to keep it clean.  Enjoy!


A Lawyer and his BMW

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you’re bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

Three Questions

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what’s your third question?"

Witness Stand

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

The Pearly Gates

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Clarence Darrow

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Remember, feel free to use the comments button below to add any lawyer jokes to this post!



  1. carol tolhurst on

    Two alligators…..
    Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. the small one turns to the big one and says:I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids…I just don't get it."
    "Well, "says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
    "Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
    "Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?
    "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
    "Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"
    "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
    Then jump out, bite 'em, shake the sh** out of 'em, and eat"em!"
    Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you're get done shakin' the sh** out of a lawyer, there's nothin' left but lips and a briefcase.

  2. carol tolhurst on

    Q: What do you call parachuting lawyer?

    A: Skeet